As I sit here this morning, first cup of coffee consumed, toddler on my lap, and headache already forming, I can't help but feel a multitude of emotions. All at once, I feel inspired, and overwhelmed. Full of hope, yet discouraged and fearful. Brimming with potential possibilities, yet never enough. Inundated with the compassion and light of humankind, and at the same time, insidiously poisoned by it's darkness.
It is the force that drives me, and the force that confines me.
I've always been oversensitive. Anxiety-ridden. Weird. Unable to truly function normally in this strange society we live in, yet painstakingly able to pass for normal. It takes a lot of effort, folks.
I've always been calmed by nature. It's simplicity, and it's complexity. It mirrors the organized chaos within me, somehow becoming a continuation of my being. At the risk of sounding cliche, I become one with nature. Now I make sense. I can breathe. I can function.
This is why I farm. And no, I do not "own" a "real" farm. I practice it, like one would practice daily yoga, each day becoming more mindful and aware in subtle ways that will eventually make me more wise, and intuitive. One can become knowledgeable with facts, and research, but by putting things into practice, you glean the subtleties that become what make you good at what you do.
I've come a long way in the past year. I have a long way to go yet. What is important, is that I keep going. No more bridge-burning, fueled by depression, fear, and doubt.
A year ago, is when the pull started. The nagging pull of inspiration. The calling, if you will, that would not be ignored by my squelching practical thoughts and ideas of what I should be doing at this point in my life.
It said, "Start an Alpaca farm! You'll be happy!"
To that, I replied, "Ummm... I have no land. I cannot do that. Obviously."
It said, "Turn your front lawn into a garden, then, and get some chickens! And Keep dreaming of an Alpaca farm!"
To that, I thought, "Hmmmm... I have enough land. I can do that. Clearly!"
I don't really hear voices, just for the record...
I said to Nick, "I can start a Microfarm, with Chickens and a garden, and Alpacas and it will be revolutionary!"
He replied, "Let's get everything ready to get chickens a year from now."
And I cried, "I NEED chicks NOW!"
And so it began. And evolved. And I do have a micro farm, with chickens for fresh eggs, a veggie patch in my front yard (which should be evolving further this year into several gardens), a fiber bunny, and a new ability to spin fiber into yarn, and a couple of dwarf dairy goats, along with my new ability to milk said goats. Oh, and a few ducklings.
I gain an invaluable amount of health, but I do not make any money from this hobby. Yet. In fact, it is costly at times... which is why I must remain realistic about what I can do, and what I should do, and what needs to be done. Does that make sense? Does it really have to? I can tell you one thing.